At each of these mirror moments I was hoping to feel something more, something that informed me I was on the right track, I was doing something good or right, and it would pay off. I was simultaneously envisioning a future self I believed in and waiting for her to appear, as if out of thin air. I prayed I would reap the rewards of feeling awkward, and trying my best to be loved by all.
When I was 9, I was the tallest person I knew my age. We had to write our height and weight on a piece of paper and set it in a bin one day in class. I remember strategizing how to make sure my crush, who to this day I still think is quite cute, would not see it. I felt humiliated for being who I was in my own skin. I was nicknamed Jolly Green Giant by some boys in my class, and while green was my favorite color, I felt anything but jolly being called a giant.